A Lesbian's Journey Through Trauma

You’re going to wake up one day and realize that she’s done trying. This wasn’t a decision that was made lightly. Nor was it a decision that was made out of nowhere.

She gave you everything. She was more than happy just to have you next to her. She only expected your love and honesty in return. When you were at your lowest, she stepped up to put your pieces together…all while breaking apart inside. She saw all of the good behind your flaws. She loved you even when you became a person she was not familiar with.

While you were hurting her. She was covering for you with the kindest words. Protecting you from the view of others. She sat silently in her tears while you became less supportive of her emotions. She believed in you, fighting for the person she once knew.

This wasn’t something that happened overnight. Things were great at first, weren’t they? Love was intense, it was solid, it was beautiful. You could communicate freely and easily. You got each other. You saw each other. Where did that all change though? When did you stop being the loyal and reliable partner she had to start begging for?

Were you ever that person or did you just take her heart by storm and shatter it under false pretenses?

There will never be an answer for that. It’s not quite as easy as it should be. Change in people is inevitable. Failing to communicate in a relationship when you have been able to all along, that’s by choice. You don’t hide from someone you actually love. You don’t allow that person to sit in silence second guessing themselves and their worth. You don’t allow them to have to sit and make assumptions as to how you feel and what they can do to make things better.

It’s not for them to fix. It is for you to fix. You can’t expect them to save you and understand you when you give them crumbs. Those crumbs are still keeping them dangling behind you while you drag them down and cut them to the bone.

Yet, while they stay by your side in silence. Hoping you will return and that everything that was going wrong was just a horrible nightmare. They are gaining the strength to choose themselves and to heal from the hurt and damage you’ve caused.

You can’t see that though, you are caught up in your own world and what makes you happy. You are teaching them to be without you and to thrive without you. They have no choice.

One day they are going to slip away from that tight grip you had on them. You will be left stuck, standing in your self pity. Why? Well, because you never wanted to take accountability for where things were wrong. They were willing to fight for you because that relationship was worth it. They were willing to make any necessary changes for YOU to be comfortable. But you weren’t…were you?

Their decision to walk away was not made easily. Yet you gave them all of the reasons to not stay because you weren’t going to return. Not only that, you weren’t going to return to rebuild what you broke. You wanted to bandage it loosely and get what still made you happy. Their feelings weren’t considered at all…and for how long?

When did consistency become such a task that you sit back and act like it’s impossible? Then beg for just a little more time, a little more love, a little more of their soul. Yet you’re not willing to give something in return. A genuine apology, change, accountability. The offer to earn their trust back. You want THEM to meet you half way when they’ve been going beyond the distance for you for too long.

Sometimes it’s best, yet hard, to let go for each of you to move on. It was never meant to be if hurt had to be a final result.

I know all too well. While I’ve felt the pain of being cheated on or abused (verbally/emotionally)…I’ve caused pain. I learned the hard way that my words were not worth a second chance, my actions were stuck. She didn’t deserve that…and she was right in walking away. Yet I learned to not chase because if we were meant to be we would have been. Neither of us were accountable for who we became in the end. I didn’t deserve her and she didn’t deserve me again.

She deserves someone who can give her what she needs. I need to fix patterns I found myself in for my future. I deserve someone who is going to be consistent. I want the chance to prove that I am not who I was. I am not my mistakes.

If you are sitting in front of someone who is crying out for help. Who is asking for you to talk to them. Who is willing to bleed so that you can heal. Don’t fuck that up. If you can’t be an emotionally mature individual…let them go. You are going to cause significant harm. It will take them too long to realize you were never good for them. You were just around for a reason. The next time love comes around for them, they are going to be afraid of being burned.

Karma hit me. It hit me all at once. Waves and waves of emotions for longer than I would have ever allowed. All I know is that I never want to be that person again…and I have to forgive myself. I don’t need her forgiveness nor do I need her apologies for her part. I have accepted my part and have worked for who I am and want to be.

It is OK to admit that you are falling apart. It’s OK to ask for help as well. It is human to admit fault and correct your path. Just don’t wait until it’s too late. They will be gone. You will feel confused. It’s your fault that you caused the world to fall apart underneath them. Don’t act surprised…own up to it and fix it for the next person that you don’t need to fuck up.