A Lesbian's Journey Through Trauma

Something I once read, talked about a mistake in love being inevitable. How a mistake being made is not a reflection of how someone feels about you. We are all human and we fuck up sometimes.

And when I talk about mistakes, I’m not referring to blatant lies, cheating, or a raised hand.

I am talking about doing something that unintentionally hurts a person. Let’s say someone comes to you and says, you know what…what you did really hurt me. Or, I feel like this when you do that.

You have to listen. You have to be present. If someone feels safe enough to open up about their pain that you are causing…pay the fuck attention.

What you choose to do from there is where you label your action as a mistake or consistent intention.

If you apologize with empty words, that forever sticks. Because that person may let it go several more times. Yet, once they seem to notice a pattern. They start to keep score. They eventually get tired of trying to help heal you. To help you see their pain.

Eventually, the person who has fought for, nurtured, and been the guiding force to a relationship…they are done. No amount of apologies and accountability can take away the fact that you chose yourself over and over again. The trust in an apology or another chance is shot.

This is never to say love isn’t there in most of these instances, but to say that you choose to love someone less than they have deserved all this time. It also says you weren’t meant to be. That’s not your person. The fire has completely burned out.

Now there is a possibility that at any point you may find your way back to a person once you’ve both done some growing apart. But you have to always know that what you change about yourself should be for you and how the fact you agree that the issue is there. Don’t ever make changes you aren’t ready for or accountable for. You will fall back into old patterns.

Really, what I mean to say is. If you can’t be the person that is needed and refuse to grow and mature. Step aside for someone to come along and love them more. It’s the most selfless thing you can do. Letting go is a bitch. Holding on is a slow and painful death. Which would you choose?

As I start to see more and more reality of things, I do understand why people say actions speak louder than words. While I’m great with my words, my actions will always match that of someone I love or care for. I have a lot to give and if I feel as though it is being reciprocated…you will always have that. However I have been at fault for reciprocating angst and disconnect to a point where it stays that way.

The most selfless thing I did was to let it go after trying. If I wanted to when we were together, the effort would have been more clear. The communication more loud. It was not meant to be and I should have let her go sooner.

Make your mistakes, learn from them. Don’t make a pattern out of those mistakes to the point where someone has to walk away to choose them over you. Because they will absolutely deserve to do so.

It’s a small count down to Christmas. I’m sure I’ll try to write again before. Until then…blessed be the fruit. 🤣