A Lesbian's Journey Through Trauma

Before I start writing and getting into my list. I must mention that I have been guilty of some of these things and they hold true to me. Things I need to change in the future and learn better ways to go about them. Let me say that it is a given to expect loyalty, faithfulness, respect, and trust. Those should be standard expectations from ANYONE. Friends, family, love. This list is deeper than that.

I will put an asterisks beside of ones that I can call myself out on

1. Healthy expression of needs. We all have things we need and want out of a relationship. It gets tricky when we have an unhealthy way of communicating them. Even though it’s a woman dating woman experience. We are not mind readers. I need direct expression. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Don’t hide behind anger that comes out towards something else. Don’t tell me you’re fine when you aren’t. Please tell me what you need and I’ll do everything I can to make it happen.**
2. Do as I say, not as I do. Please do not get upset with me for something that I’ve seen you do. Something I have experienced you doing as well. I feel this is disrespectful that I am expected to uphold different standards than someone else. We are an equal partnership. I support you when you can’t give 100%. I hope you would do the same for me if I can’t give my all.
3. You will not hold my depression against me. I’ll never hide who I am or what I’ve been through. My unsuccessful journey in therapy…until now. If I hit a low, I sometimes ride that low longer than I want. If you just want to love the best parts of me, I’m not for you. I will never say you knew who I was. I’m many things. Many emotions. I come with ups and downs and am not always the best girlfriend. It never means that I don’t love someone, it means I show up differently. If we ever find ourselves in a huge rut, please know that sometimes I can’t notice. No matter how much healing I do. Don’t let me shut down, let’s talk. But please don’t walk away when I need you the most.

I can go on for hours about this topic but will stop at 3. I know I have faults that can cross a line of being a deal breaker. Today alone I’m back in my guilty stage. This seems to be how it goes. One great week, one rough week. I’m stuck in my head wondering what it would be like to love again.

My smoking was a deal breaker. My smoking is also linked to my stress. I smoke more and eat less. But now I’m not smoking, yet I am stuffing my face more than I’d like. I got down to 140 pounds after the break-up…but my appetite is back. I smoked to suppress my feelings, it’s a shitty excuse and a gross one. I tried so hard to give her what she begged me for. The smoking should have been easier than it was to find the job.

All I ever really want is someone to see me when I’m all the way down. To help me out of the darkness if I fall into it. It’s up to me to work on that now, to make it easier to recognize so I don’t need saving. Depression is not always easy to fight against and there is never a 100% guarantee I’ll not shut down again. I just want to be held and told it’s going to be OK. That someone isn’t going to go anywhere. We’ll get through this together. I have always been able to give this to someone, I just want it in return.

Right now I’m working to make myself better overall.

I have so much work to do. I’m unsure why I’m even discussing deal breakers. Realistically I think love is all about respect. Learning communication in the best ways possible. Growing together, even if unevenly. Patience. Tenderness. Compassion. Genuine and true love. Be good to the ones you love. Don’t let a day go by without telling your significant other how you feel. Good or bad. But never fail to show and tell them you love them in between it all.

Don’t make the same mistakes I have. Hold on to them as tight as possible, not in a suffocating way. Listen when they are hurting. Do what you can to fix it. Communicate what may not be working fast enough. Be the partner to them that you expect them to be to you. STOP throwing shit away because you want and expect perfection. Live by the 80/20 rule and find Mrs. Good Enough not Mrs. Perfect.

Stop finding faults in someone who is good to you. If it’s something that is a hard NO for you…don’t lead them on. This is why early and deep communication is important. Make everything you want known up front.

Keep showing up however you can!

Love is hard, but loneliness is even harder.