A Lesbian's Journey Through Trauma

Buckle up, I have decided to start blogging instead of journaling. My story and life can definitely resonate with someone out there. You may very well need something to relate to. My story is definitely as big of a mess as my mind is.

Forewarning, I can be all over the place with my thoughts, but hey…it will keep you guessing.

I use humor to deal with depression. I take medicine (yes it’s prescription) to pretend that nothing is wrong with me.

I’m starting this because my therapy has taught me to love to write again. My first lesson was to journal chapters of my life as I remember them. Then, I began to piece it all together. This helped me determine where things started. I suffered from a lack of self worth and low self esteem. I experienced severe depression and made questionable choices in relationships. I tried to fix people instead of addressing my own issues.

One thing about burying anything, unless it’s me six feet deep, everything comes to the surface eventually.

Imagine being 43 years old. You are stuck in learned patterns and shitty cycles. You do not fully realize why you do the things you do. However, they feel normal to you because it’s what you know. Imagine causing people to question their worth. They wonder about their standing in your life because you can’t snap out of the darkness. You struggle to love the way you know you can.

One day, the person you love is sick of trying and walks away…and now I feel too many things. I have too many emotions and too many memories of the past. There are too many days of anger, sadness, guilt, and shame. Nostalgia fills some days, and sometimes I smile a genuine smile at a memory. These memories will never be tarnished by heartbreak or depression.

I hope you’ll stay. I hope you’ll make it through my long-winded posts. Laugh a little with me to keep from crying.

You will get a glimpse into everything I think or feel, and not in chronological order either. Mainly because I have done a great job at forgetting things to protect my inner child.

Welcome to my world. Just a lesbian on a healing journey that looks messy, but necessary. And yes I have to throw out that I’m a lesbian, that’s part of my problem…but you’ll see.